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It's not often that thanks to Victorian-era erotica, a year-old girl experiences a sexual epiphany. When her debate team stopped at a bookstore on an out-of-town trip, a friend purchased a book of 19th century sex stories. You know what happens next: on the bus ride home, a wide-eyed Katherine pored over one tale about a man and his female servant.
I'm not the only one who thinks this is interesting! She's thought about spanking since she was young, but it wasn't until she became aroused reading that story that she'd desired for a man to spank her in bed. Women like Katherine aren't alone: Lots of people are into love taps — over-the-knee or tangled up in intercourse, one item on the foreplay buffet or the main event. It's tricky to find out how many people are into it, but you don't have to look further than pop culture to see we've got spanks on the brain.
The posterior is full of its own nerves, and the bum is also located near the body's sensory hot spots — a man's scrotum and a woman's vulva. A kinky maneuver like spanking is a great way to send ripples through the spanking your lover and stimulate that entire area, Fulbright says. Thomas Rochea year-old erotica writer in San Francisco, says spanking is "hot, emotionally charged and so intimate" all at once.
But for him, the allure of spanking a woman is all the "bodily contact" — a submissive woman's rear end and all the parts around it. Spanking is appealing to everyone for different reasons. For some people, it's more innocent," says Rachel Kramer Bussel, editor of Spanked: Red-Cheeked Eroticawho wrote passionately about her love of a good spanking on her former Village Voice sex column.
Once you've figured out your fantasy, how do you ask for a spanking — or to give a spanking? Well, try renting Secretarythe movie starring Maggie Gyllenhaal and James Spaderand watching it with your sweetie, suggests Bussel. If indie films aren't your bag, she suggests you find a YouTube video or a site that contains spanking, showing it to your partner and asking what they think about trying it.
Whether you're the spanker or the spankee, Bussel says to approach the "hey, can we try this" discussion forthrightly but without pressure. Since the subject can sometimes be off-putting, approach the act as something you and your partner just trying, she says, not something you want to do every night even if you do.
As for how to perform the spanking, there are lots of ways to do it! First, pick a position that feels comfortable for you. For beginners, Roche suggests lying across someone's lap on a bed so that the spankee's head is supported. The receiver can also bend over a chair or stand against a wall if that's more enticing. You can use hands or spank with an implement like a wooden paddle. Sex shops have lots of fun instruments — if your paddle's covered in fur it becomes a "joke-y, funny prop" and will inject humor into the bedroom, says Bussel.
You just want to start spanking your lover and explore! Other areas that you should not hit under any circumstances include the backs of the knees, the tailbone and the spine. In between blows, the spanker can caress the spanked area, fondle the genitals, or gently tug the spankee's hair — if that's what the spankee would like.
Find out if those whimpers of pain were in ecstasy or regret. But like lots of choices on the kink sexual buffetspanking is not embraced by everyone. Spanking your lover find that the butt is off-limits for a lot of adults, Fulbright warns.
While some people find it exciting to have that area touched, others grapple with the psychological element of letting someone access a "taboo" area, even if your partner isn't touching anywhere near your anus. Katherine knows this taboo all too well: Although her interest in sexual spanking dates back to her childhood, it wasn't until age 37 that she incorporated spanking into her sex life in a way that felt healthy.
Her biggest hurdle? Katherine had a physically abusive relationship as a young adult and the first time a sexual partner hit her butt was out of anger, she says. For years, Katherine wrestled with an internal conflict about asking a man to spank her in the context of sex.
Indeed, it's not hard to see how people who were spanked as children or physically abused in at any point in life may cringe at spanking during sex.
For lots of us, hitting is scary, angry, and unpredictable. That's why trusting your partner is crucial. Roche has been spanking women since he was 17 and he's seen more than a few "emotional moments" over the years, from women for whom spanking exhumed powerful memories. Therefore, trust goes both ways. One idea?
Establish a word or phrase, something other than "stop" or "no" which people sometimes say when they mean just the oppositethat ifies all spanking must cease immediately. Toying with power dynamics can be as alluring as it is discomforting. When it comes to spanking and gender-roles, baggage about power can enter the bedroom on an express train.
Although love taps are certainly not exclusively man-on-woman behavior, anecdotally, guys spanking gals is one of the more common manifestations. Some dudes relish lady-swatting, which makes them feel powerful or manly. Roche, for instance, says he loves the "power aspect.
Men are, after all, taught never to hit women.
If you sense your guy is worried, keep spanking lighthearted: play up the sexiest, most playful parts of a spanking, suggests Katherine, such as the butt being "an erogenous zone prominently displayed," and the fact spanking entails "a lot of spanking your lover and panting!
It's possible that your guy may be the one who longs for a spanking. In fact, it's a hat Bussel has worn many a time before, even with "cocky" guys who are the "opposite of what you might think" when you imagine a submissive man. But, what's so hot about spanking a guy? She probably isn't physically overpowering him, says Bussel, so he is making himself vulnerable to her.
Since some guys see wanting to be spanked as emasculating, she adds, this means a guy is being especially trusting. Spanking can be great fun to introduce into the bedroom. Through lots of communication, individual couples need to figure out all the details of the delivery themselves. Safety is paramount, of course, but timing is everything. If done wrong, says Fulbright, spanking "is the kind of move that can totally kill the moment! There's no one right way to spank someone and if it hurts too much — or too little — to be pleasurable, you've got to speak up!
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